Personality Development

Knowingly or unknowingly our personality is influenced by many people around us. We are what we are because of our parents, our cultural background, our peers – friends and colleagues and our experience cum lessons learnt from the same and other miscellaneous people who walk in and walk out of our lives (they are the optional influence - if we want, we can channel even this transient population to have a good or bad effect upon us). These are my reflections, when I see people, understand their psychology, their mind and their flow of thoughts, trying to reason out “why we are the way we are!!!”

The statement “We are influenced by people around us” is acknowledged even in our Shastras (scriptures) as –
Our life is divided into 4 quadrants as depicted below:



The below Sanskrit saying encapsulates what is depicted above:
Mathru (Mom) devo (Worship) bava (Hail)
Pithru (Dad) devo bava
Guru (Teacher) devo bava
Athithi (Friends who visit our home) devo bava

Another Sanskrit saying advocating the same philosophy:

Satsangathya Nissangathvam, nissangathve nirmohathvam, nirmohathve moksham
- as said by Adi Shankarayacharya

Good friends (Satsangathya) impart good qualities (Nis-Sangathvam), good qualities paves way to detachment towards wordly deeds (Nirmoham) and finally this philosophy helps us attain salvation or divine happiness (Moksham)

The IV quadrant, I believe needs to be elaborated. Looking at our own life, others life, learning valuable lessons from our experience – we can be a teacher to oneself. But then we hardly realize the wise in this. We have certain views or characteristics because of our background or profession. Like people in managerial line are good listeners, as he/she is considered good only if communicative and is able to gauge the team's pulse. So they have certain “managerial” strategy in executing every task in their life - professional and personal. Similarly, for a poor servant maid – her way of doing a mundane menial job like washing vessels is easy and an educational discourse like this is hard to follow. Her behavior and characterisitics to endure this hard job is defined by her job role.

Philosophy:
Our life is a beautiful place to live if we are willing to put on the right glasses and perceive things the right way – like a swan (Hamsam) swallowing the good, leaving the bad.

Acc to purans (Veda) - When the earth was created – Amrutham (Good) and Visham (Poison or bad) emerged. The Devathas (Gods) consumed Amrutham and Ashuras (Demons) consumed Visham.

These is a lot of wise in this philosophy just like there is a lot of wise in the sayings of our scholarly elders (termed as Shlokas in Sanskrit) or a colloquial proverb of a regular villager.

For eg, as we interact with a person or any new acquaintance, one first observes and relishes the good qualities that’s why “First impression is the best impression”, but later we go on to discover the bad or “not so likable” qualities of a person or the evil alter ago in us.

But how we cleanse our thoughts depends on us.

One can choose to appreciate the good qualities in a person, try to adapt our lifestyle and imbibe these qualities as much as possible or just plainly admire these qualities.

And if we observe or get inflicted (hurt) by a “not so good quality”, don’t let this evilness develop evilness in you. If that happens, your evilness emerges as anger, that eventually gives into hatred which creeps into ur mind like a slow poison. Instead, one can look at this very same “not so good quality” as some thing one should not adopt in one’s life or if we also share the same evil – the hurt inflicted upon us by this evil should make us realize how painful it is and if we also repeat the same mistake – one should realize how much pain we are inflicting on another person. Such thinking will cleanse not only our mind but also another person’s mind (indirectly). Such thinking will instill in us the good quality to forgive the other person and consider their “not so good quality” as their ignorance of their action and its consequences. And by doing this kind act, you can unknowingly bring a change in others. One need not shout angrily, in return our kindness towards another being will be appreciated, our non-violence will Some day, Some time dawn the truth in the other. After all, that’s how Our father of the nation- Mahatma Gandhi liberated us from the tyrant British rule.

Changes are inevitable. One cant remain immutable to change. Things will happen, whether we like it or not. By understanding another person’s psychology, wonderful philosophies emerge and goodness is spread everywhere.

Ofcourse this whole lecture – can be looked upon as a boring lecture, a wise lecture, study of psychology or

A crazy girl blabbering crazy things

All said, its easy to preach but tough to practice. For, if we practice we become “Perfect” which is equivalent to “God”. And no one on this earth is perfect.

The controversial topic

Arranged or Love ???

The famous twin dilemma.

I am writing this after reading this blog

http://rja.blogspot.com/2004/07/arranged-marriage.html

i will say this- nothing is the RIGHT WAY things have to happen. As an Indian youngster with the right mix of traditional and modern views, I will not say "Love marriage” is only great experience or “"Arranged marriage" is only correct approach.

Either can happen. Its we who shape our life. Let our life evolve as a beautiful place to live.

A college girl or guy shouldn’t talk with opp sex just to flirt and enter the decision of love marriage - braving all odds. That’s infatuation. A more mature love marriage is where the couple deeply love each other and are sure about each other. But parents are not agreeing to it. What do u do then? Question Mark – Family or love. So here risk factors are - meets abrupt end due to factors then broken hearts or desperation leading to eloping or parents shunning them away. Hmm lots of problems to face and handle. Are u that mature enough and confident enough to handle all this is what u ask urself? Love just happens and if it happens think wise and analyze as pointed out in the other blog how an arranged marriage couple of today sit and set their expectations correctly.

At the same time, on the arranged marriage front. Yes totally agreed, things are not bleak as it was a century back. People talk, understand and then decide. But there is a caveat here that following things should exist for it to be peaceful and successful process:

1) Parents and their kid (girl/boy) come to consensus on what needs to be done- horoscope, family, preferences, time & space needed to decide. Once agreed dont question each other-- A parent should not force their kid - why dont u like this person- seems like nice family, horoscope matches. Same time kid should also not be unreasonable. Typically a generation gap exists, but it needs to be closed. Else the scene gets ugly - hasty decisions made or accepts it to end the harassing of parents/aunts/relatives/society or no I will remain single n say Hell with things

2) When all equations are worked out between parent and kids. Inside the family- you know ur parents- u can to hearts content talk to them- you can also fight/counsel/argue with each other plus a deep bond exist. But what can u say about society or the alliance u r considering. What I see more commonly happening is - Parents are over enthusiastic in their approach. A guy's parents or the guy base decisions and pass comments - Does ur girl sing, dance, cook, religious, is she slim fair. Is it that - u r talented only if u know to sing, or is it that - u r traditional only if u know carnatic music. Questions like these are plainly stupid. At times guys are too busy and leave things on their parent's lap and say u do whatever u want and finally come back to me - give me my time - I will interact and then me-girl jointly will give u our verdict. So here the guy-girl could be good when introduced, but then it might not JUST happen. The parents ALONE see the girl, wont let guy come or guy doesnt have time to take off from work. Now they (parents) don’t find the qualities that "they" like in her, not necessary that the guy’s priority is same and he would look for these qualities alone. And here the girl gets irritated with this family's questions/comments/or the fact - why is this guy least interested? - is it because of "order-purchase" attitude or is it - he is too busy and if he is too busy for an important action in his life then why does he say "I am ready for marriage!" or Does he wisely sees his parents seeing the girl as a 1st level screening process (a mark of respect for elders opinion - to judge if she will fit my family's framework) and not as the LAST level or the ONLY level of screening. A girl or her parents scrutinize the guy along the dimensions such as tall, should not be dark, smartness, job, qualification, wealth owned, salary, dowry, demands, is the groom from US/UK/Australia anywhere else apart from India, rigid or adjustable. The central problem is that "nature and personality is not judgemental", u can form an opinion only when u interact. Its more of a behavioral study type-of-questions rather than yes or no type-of-questions.


All judgments could be hasty if one evaluates things in terms of Interview type of questions - Yes or No. Tick Mark

For eg. A small story.

Scene: A jolly type guy is looking for fun loving partner full of life, she can work/not work her wish, has full freedom for anything.

And our hero goes about asking "how many movies u see? Do u like this movie X,Y,Z? And if the girl happens to say I hardly watch movies outside. I rather like seeing them at home. Our Mr.intelligent can form prejudice and declares no i dont like this girl.

Conclusion: Guy thinks OH My God this girl is some villager. She is a very boring girl.

Common Problem:
If he talks initially (say) in a formal setup – in a "ponnu pakkal" (guy/his family go to girls home and meet her) setup . U have too many people, strangers every where and only Q & A types of discussions come. The conclusions are 99% incorrect as people start to get prejudice if they miss one quality in a person.

Caveat in Story: For all u know, she could have disciplined parents not letting her out and hence likes to see everything at home. Would a girl prefer to tell this truth- No. She wont confess to some stranger that her parents wont let her go out. Even if she tells the guy will think - Oh my god her parents control her so much, what will they do with me. :) So here guy rejecting this girl on this ground may earn only bad name from his parents. Poor fellow. Also it could be that the girl really doesn’t like -is either too studious or plainly doesn’t like movies. How do judge? What are the factors that one should consider?

Verdict: A more logical approach a guy should take is - take time to talk, hang out and talk on a broad range of topics, when u make judgement base it on the circumstances, constraints, resources- Just think. U dont look go match-match same pinch I also like this like a kid. :) Its better if the person is different from u. U just see if u can understand another person's thoughts and perception. Will it make u Happy being like this!


Mostly this opportunity is blocked by parents or the concerned people-boy or girl has inhibitions to ask out and hang out.

There is lots of ifs-buts. So my verdict: Arranged marriage of modern days is really good. But the process of selection at times can be unnerving experience driving u mad at the society and may implant this idea- God I wish I had selected someone by today or say I am happy alone or all smart youngsters go for love marriage and only boring people go for postings in matrimonial websites.

By telling problems in arranged marriage, I am not telling making ur college love culminating into a successful happy marriage is any easy to achieve- mostly we want families agreeing, a love-turned-arranged where everyone in both family is happy is a tall order.

From the time u decide on “Arranged: Okay I am ready for marriage” or “Love: the realization sinks in you – yes I love this person” and get married and move on to lead a successful Happy life- its all about patience, more patience. A delicate thread of understanding is needed, time and space is needed.

Marriage is about infinite patience, unconditional love and sacrifices which are not sacrifices if looked as “adaptation leading to involuntary change”.

Okay for folks wondering what I did – it is “modern types arranged marriage with lot of prior harassing experiences in arranged marriage selection process due to immature expectation of the other person” :) and my views of love marriage is based on what I see happening around the world.